Just to be clear… I am not pregnant.

One of my best friends, Tiffany, was recently bitten by the blogging bug.  She is one of the most entertaining writers I know, so I was thrilled that she agreed to write this guest post for The Table Has Shoes (and Other Ambiguities).  Tiffany is about to enter the third trimester of her first pregnancy, which makes her my very first friend to have a baby!  Her blog, Baby Bonk… and Other Bonk Related Activities, is all about her pregnancy, her life as a newlywed and first-time homeowner, and – once Baby Bonk arrives – being a new mom. Here is a sample of what you will find on her blog:

What No One Tells the Pregnant Woman

By Tiffany B.

There are many things people will and won’t tell you about being pregnant. For example, many of your girlfriends may tell you about the morning sickness or annoyingly heightened sense of smell. But how many of them have told you about the constipation? Or the lovely hemrrhoids that, as it was so well put in ‘Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy’ by Vicki Iovine, will make you never want to eat solid food again in fear of passing a solid piece of poop out of your poor bum. Yeah, your friends leave that stuff out.

Another thing that they leave out is the overwhelming feeling of life spinning out of control….maybe that’s a bit harsh. How about life taking a turn down a road that you THOUGHT you were ready for, but are now having second thoughts? It’s like going into a haunted mansion. It looks like fun, sounds like fun, the people coming out of the mansion are laughing and seem to have had a good time, but when you are actually in the dark creepy mansion with things jumping out at you…..you’re trying not to pee in your pants. Or cry, which is what I did the last time I went in a haunted house 9 years ago, and therefore haven’t been in one since. Pregnancy can be a lot like that, it looks like fun. But damn if you don’t wonder.

Another thing no one tells you is exactly how long 9 months is. Sounds like a trick question, right? Well for starters , it’s actually 10 months. It took me a while to figure out how I am 23 weeks pregnant, going into my 6th month and yet have 4 months to go. I think it is a practical joke doctors decided to play on poor, innocent, pregnant women 100 years ago and it just stuck. And if that wasn’t bad enough, 9 (10) months feels like a life time. You watch your husband and all your friends go on with their lives and you feel like a big egg timer, slowly ticking away with nothing else to do but go off one of these days.

And let’s get something straight here, parties are not fun for pregnant ladies. At least not for more than 5 minutes. One, everyone seems to feel the need to talk to you about the damn baby. Hey, news flash, I had a life before I became an incubator! Two, you realize how truly obnoxious drunk people are. Now buzzed people, they are funny. They usually say things they don’t really mean and act generally humorous. Once people take the turn toward completely hammered….well I take it as my cue to leave. They talk SUPER LOUD, like unless they are yelling no one can possibly hear them. They also tend to get a little more touchy-feely. Yuck, get your gross beer-soaked hands off my belly. Plus they are a blatant reminder of how nice it can be to throw a few back and truly forget about life for a while.

Sadly, I have realized that pregnant women actually have a lot in common with intoxicated people, perhaps this is another reason why I find them so annoying. We have a lot in common, but I’m not having fun. You know how they say you pee a lot when you get pregnant? Well they aren’t kidding. And much like drinking, the minute you break the seal you are back in the bathroom every 10 minutes for the rest of the day. Anther odd similarity is the forgetfulness, also known as ‘baby brain’ for us preggo people and ‘blacking out’ for the drunkards. I knew baby brain would make me more scatter-brained and maybe slightly forgetful, but what I didn’t know is that I would completely forget entire conversations. Wish I had the booze to blame  that one on. Pregnancy hormones also come into play in this little comparison. Ever been at a bar, drinking (duh) and said something you never thought you would say out-loud? Like, ‘Betty is nice but she has such a fat…’ …oops! Yeah, the same thing happens when you are pregnant. I know it’s hormones, but I also think there is just a part of you that is so tired and annoyed that you just don’t care anymore and therefore you ‘cut to the chase’ much more quickly than in your pre-pregnancy days. Kiss tact goodbye, again no booze to blame.

All in all I know I am starting the most amazing journey of my life. I know it will be totally worth it, and I am the luckiest person alive to not only be able to get pregnant but to also have what has generally been an easy pregnancy. Still, with no life I am left with a lot of time to think, and now write.

Welcome to my blog.

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