Not Easy At All
Posted by limpetfan | Posted in Marriage, life, money, relationships | Posted on 28-01-2010-05-2008
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If you look around the internet, or in magazines, or at news programs on TV, you will probably be hard-pressed to find anyplace that doesn’t list money as a top reason for divorce in the United States.
If you think about this a little bit, it’s not particularly shocking.
Let’s say a young couple (or even a not-so-young couple) gets married. Everything is fabulous, and they decide they want to have a family, complete with a white picket fence and a neighborhood ice cream truck. So they buy a house. Then they have a kid. Or two, or three. The kids need STUFF. The house needs STUFF. Maybe now they need a new car. And the couple themselves occasionally need stuff, too. All these early marriage “stuff” acquisitions means the couple needs money… and may also mean the couple has to go into debt. If the two people that make up this couple view and handle money differently, there’s a good chance there’s going to be friction, and over time, that it will be a major problem.
Like I said, it’s not shocking that money issues often = divorce.
As a soon-to-be-married person, this type of statistic freaks me out. I certainly don’t want my marriage to be felled by money. Money is, to a certain extent (you know, barring prolonged illness, alien invasion, and job loss), something that can be controlled. So for Alex and I, I figured we could avoid problems if we talked early and often about how we are going to handle our finances as a married couple.
Turns out, I’m kinda dumb for thinking it’s that easy. Because, when it comes to relationships and money, it’s not easy at all.
For Alex and I, we decided to split joint expenses – things like rent and electricity – according to the disparity in our incomes, but we keep our money separate so we can easily pay our pre-relationship obligations. This was my idea, and I had read about this method of handling money in relationships in The Money Book for the Young, Fabulous & Broke
He makes $40,000/year
I make $30,000/year
This means he makes 0.57 more than I do (40,000/70,000). So if our rent is $1200 a month, he pays 0.57 x $1200, or $684, while I pay $516.
This is supposed to ensure that one person isn’t paying so much that all their income is gone every month, while the other person has tons to spare. It has worked pretty well for us thus far. The problem we are running into now is that this formula really isn’t going to work very well if we intend to buy a house, or have kids (which we do). The person with more income is going to have to use a lot of that ‘more’ if we want a house that isn’t a shack.
Now, it isn’t that being able to afford these things is a problem. They are do-able, achievable goals. It’s the concept that all of a sudden it’s going to be pretty uneven financially, when viewed individually. One of us is going to be paying a lot more, but we’re receiving equal benefits. And for both of us, it’s the first time in either of our lives where our financial stability will be tied to someone else’s financial stability. It’s the first time I can’t afford something basic, like housing, without the help of someone else in my adult life. Our fates will be officially linked. It’s like there’s less individuality there, somehow. For two people who have been very independent and individual their entire lives, it’s a terrifying concept.
This makes me suspect that disagreements on this topic, not just with Alex and I, but with most couples, are not just about money. This is stressful, emotional stuff because something important isn’t under your solitary control anymore. Or maybe it’s an under-discussed fear about marriage in general, a fear about losing independence, and this is where it manifests. Whatever the reason, the idea that it is not just MY money anymore is the hardest pill I’ve ever had to swallow. I’ve worked hard to have a clean financial name, and it bothers the heck out of me that it won’t just be mine anymore. I’ve never been particularly good at sharing.
I think that maybe this is why so many couples have trouble when it comes to money. Money is power and control, and you can’t have much of a life without it. Lucky for me, Alex and I do talk about money and the future a lot. I suspect we will figure it all out intelligently and be fine. Many people have trouble talking about this topic, though, so if anyone else is willing to share their thoughts and experiences, please do!
© 2010, The Table Has Shoes (and Other Ambiguities). All rights reserved.
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Yeah, I never really got the idea of trying to be all independent but yet together thing as far as money goes. Maybe Steve & I are the last hold out of our generation, but we have a bank account that we put the majority of our money in to and use it to pay the bills. My whole paycheck goes in there and Steve’s whole paycheck goes in there and we pay the bills till they’re done. Then if there’s anything left over we can steal a few bucks for ourselves.
We’re married. Our money is married, our financial responsibilities are married… and sometimes you have to buy things like thermostats instead of that really cute hoodie or those awesome pair of running shoes that you wanted. Because when the power company tells you that you owe $500 for last month because your thermostat broke and you thought it wouldn’t be that bad if you just turned off the heat when the house got to 75 degrees, you realize…. the thermostat might not be sexy but it’s realistic.
There’s nothing particularly sexy or romantic about money (or I should say “married money”), and it doesn’t give you a warm and fuzzy feeling that you’re now linked to this person for ever and ever… but it’s a reality. More than wanting to have my financial freedom I wanted to feel like I was a contributor rather than someone who essentially paid rent to my husband. That seems worse to me. That’s why the money all goes into the big mixing pot and we just pay the bills till they’re done. It makes math easier that way too.
“Marriage isn’t 50/50, sometimes it’s 60/40 and you’re not always the 60.” My mom told me that at one of my showers. She’s right. And who cares if you pay 0.6 more than your spouse on one of the bills one month and then they pay 0.8 more than you the next month? Honestly, is that what keeps people together? Probably not…
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I have to say that when it comes to finances, there is no one better than Christina. She is organized, fiscally consciences of how much she spends, and practical when it comes to making large purchases. She also helps me keep track of my current funds as well as future expenses. I am certainly glad I have Christina as the main force behind structuring our finances. We are on good ground, but it wasn’t an easy road to get to
To begin, I initially didn’t like the Suzie Orman idea of paying more for things just because I made more money. It felt like a progressive penalty tax. I was also afraid that I was not going to be able to save as much money for the future or be able to spontaneously take my future bride to our favorite restaurants.
But after many long tedious discussions, I began to see the light: the amount we pay is proportionally equal; in order words we each pay the same percentage of our salary for the things we share.
In hindsight, I am not sure why I reacted the way I did. I am known for having kneejerk reactions, but in my mind I seemed to resist this idea for a long time. Maybe it was a fear of feeling that I might not be able to provide for the ones I love, or the consternation that comes with losing the independent control of how I apportioned and budgeted my money. Maybe it was just a realization that I am now not just responsible for my own financial situation, but Christina’s as well.
In the end, I am confident that Christina and I will argue about money. But I am equally confident that it won’t be reason enough to break our bonds of love. We have laid a solid foundation for communicating with one another about difficult topics. And we are both are willing to make sacrifices for the other.
Now all we have to do is discuss how we wish to achieve our long-term financial goals. I am sure Christina is just overwhelmed with joy when she thinks about having these discussions with me
Posting for Amy, who got caught by the spam filter of extreme powerfulness:
Amy Says…
Whitney, I’m with you. We have had a joint account since the beginning and there is no his/hers on any of the money. Even extra money I make from blogging or he makes from side jobs just goes in our savings account and we decide together how it will be spent. At one point I used it to buy my mac and then another he wanted our TV. It’s a give and take and I think it takes a lot of hassle and arguments out of money. We love each other and want the best for each other anyway so we want to make the money work for each other’s needs/wants. Of course before all this we use our regular income to pay bills. In fact, my husband rarely takes a look into our account. He trusts me for the every day stuff and I talk to him when there is something out of whack. I don’t know, it just works. We rarely ever fight about money even when we had just a few dollars to our name the first few years!
Amy’s website: http://www.sabennett.com/wp
You all make interesting points.
I think perhaps how a couple chooses to handle their finances is a reflection of who they are in life. For example, if a person who likes to take care of everything and manage the money marries a person who prefers to not have to take care of things (especially money), pooling it all together and having one person pay all the bills from the pool makes sense. If two people get married who BOTH like to be in control of their finances, though, I think it might be very difficult to sell the pooling method to either one. And that’s without throwing in factors like having watched what happens with money in a divorce, which tends to make you more cautious, regardless of how sure you are that your relationship is going to last.
Maybe it just means different strategies work for different people?
I think you nailed it when you say different things work for different people. Me personally – I’m a spender. I’ll forget about things like needing a new thermostat when I see the sale on the hoodies. And then it’s time for the bills to be paid and – oops!
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I know this about myself, though, and I also know that Jeff is a very smart spender. He’ll go look at a TV 100 times before making the purchase, while I’m the one saying, “Just buy it already!”
He also makes a lot more money than me. So, given all of that, I know it wouldn’t be smart for ust to simply pool our money – I’d have a great wardrobe and shoe collection and running gear, and we’d have no mortgage money.
What he suggested years ago and what has always worked for us is this: 3 accounts, two separate and one joint. The joint account pays all the bills. Money gets automatically drafted from our paychecks to the joint account, which he manages. He pays a lot more than I do, but it allows us to have a much nicer house than if we were to go halves. I think the percentages do work out pretty closely.
My personal account is for me, and just me. The little bit of spending money I have is spent, guilt-free, on the sale at Express. And when the money is gone – I don’t shop. But I don’t risk spending the necessary money on the other things, either.
We have never ever fought about money, which is probably a miracle since I’m so bad with it. The worst that’s ever happened is I might get a little pouty when I realize I need to hold off on that pedicure or new outfit.
Good topic – and you guys are off on the right track because you’re doing what a lot of people don’t do – communicating about it!
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