Not too long ago, someone made the following comment within earshot of me:

“If the engagement ring is any less than a carat, it means he doesn’t really love you.”

All I could think was, what is wrong with this person?  I initially shrugged off what I heard as someone being entirely too materialistic and unaware that other people could hear them, but the more I have thought about the remark, the more it has bothered me.

Who, exactly, is it that gets to decide the rules of what is and what is not a respectable symbol of a man and woman’s intention to spend the rest of their lives together?  I looked into it a bit, and the general consensus seems to be that DeBeers decided to run an advertising campaign promoting diamond engagement rings around the end of the 1930’s, and that combined with Marilyn Monroe’s famous “Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend” raised diamonds to the status symbols they are today.

So, whatever, now a man is supposed to buy a diamond ring for a woman when he asks her to marry him.  I’d be lying if I sat here and wrote that I did NOT expect Alex to go buy me a diamond ring when he decided to propose to me.  But I also don’t think that is the only way to go.  I think it’s equally nice to give a girl a sapphire ring, or something else that is equally meaningful to the couple, as a symbolic, outward sign to the world that you are betrothed.

It’s not really that it’s supposed to be a DIAMOND that bothers me.  It’s the attitude so many people have about the expected SIZE and EXPENSE of the diamond that bothers me.  For example, many people seem to think it’s necessary for a man to spend at least 2-3 months’ salary on an engagement ring.  Other people, like the person I overheard talking, think the engagement ring ought to be as big as possible, and that certain smaller-sized rings are utterly sub-par.  I don’t know where this “wisdom” came from, but it seems horribly flawed.

Don’t people care about their MARRIAGE and their future AFTER the wedding?  Because if you’re asking a man to invest that much money in a ring, he probably isn’t going to be able to invest much money in anything else for a while after the proposal.  It seems perfectly ridiculous to put that kind of financial pressure on a guy, who is probably already completely nervous about pulling off the proposal right, and about getting married and being a good husband.  Not to mention, the engagement ring is supposed to symbolize love and commitment simply because he went and bought the ring and gave it to the girl!  Who cares if all he can afford is a quarter of a carat because he’s a waiter working his way towards a PhD, or a struggling actor, or a retail store employee?  Isn’t it the thought that counts, and not the net worth of the ring in this situation?

I guess my point is that the people who have these crazy guidelines in their heads really seem to be missing the point of the ring in the first place.  I’m not advocating that a man should go grab the first cubic zirconia ring he sees – by all means, save up what you can and put thought into the process!  But going into major debt, with no hope of being able to pull yourself out, just to buy an engagement ring is ridiculous.  It’s also ridiculous to go into debt to put a child into pre-school, or summer camp, or to go on a dream vacation, but that’s really another blog.

My point?  It would be nice to see more people focus on the endgame when it comes to engagements and weddings, rather than on the materialistic crap (for lack of a better word) that so many people parrot to each other.

{For the record, my own engagement ring is not too big and not too small, and my fiancee was intelligent and bought it in such a way that he does not owe anyone money for it, and hasn’t for many months.}

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One of my absolute favorite things about wedding planning is not the wedding planning – it’s the honeymoon planning! I’ve written about honeymoons before, but this past weekend Alex and I achieved a momentous CHECK on our “to-do” list for our wedding: our honeymoon is now PAID IN FULL!! And after the cruddy winter the East Coast has had, who wouldn’t be psyched at the prospect of heading for Hawaii in a few short months?
Choosing Hawaii was easy, but not, for Alex and I. He felt strongly that we should go someplace neither of us has been before, and I’ve been to Hawaii before. In the end, we chose to go there because it’s much more affordable than Europe is right now (our runner-up choice). We’ve managed to make the trip new for both of us, because while I have been to Hawaii, all my time there was spent on Oahu, and we will be spending most of our honeymoon on the other Hawaiian islands.
Here is the final version of what we plan to hit while on our honeymoon – with a special shout-out to Kelly, who has been awesome to us while we planned out trip.

Our first stop is Oahu – because you have to fly into Honolulu, and because if nothing else Alex really wants to see Waikiki Beach and the North Shore.

Photo Credit: Destination360.com

Photo Credit: Aloha.com

We’re also hoping to stop by the Dole Pineapple Plantation, for some pineapple ice cream. We don’t have enough time to go to Pearl Harbor, so I have promised Alex I’ll dig out my photos from the tour I took when we get back!

From Oahu, we’re going to the Big Island, Hawaii. There are 2 main items on our agenda while we’re there: hiking Hawaii Volcanoes National Park, and doing the Mauna Kea Summit and Stars excursion (which we have pre-booked through Liberty Travel). The Summit and Stars excursion is something we are really excited about – we can’t think of anything cooler than star-gazing on Mauna Kea.

Photo Credit: NPS.gov

From the Big Island, we’re going to make our way to Maui, where we will hopefully relax after all that hiking and sight-seeing. There are a few things we’re hoping to do on Maui, though:

• Go to a Hawaiian luau

• Watch the sun rise over Haleakala Crater (which, I’ll be honest, I don’t think is going to happen).

Photo Credit: about.com

• Drive the Road to Hana in our rented convertible… which we’re told is absolutely worth the extra $20 per day by the 3 couples we’re friends with who went to Hawaii on their honeymoons!

Photo Credit: hawaiitravelreviewed.com

We’ve also heard there are a few wineries on Maui that produce pineapple wine, which sounds intriguing.
Anyone have other suggestions or ideas for honeymooning in Hawaii?

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I have often wondered why the world needs Twitter.  Facebook I can understand, but there are definitely days when Twitter’s purpose is lost on me.

Well, that ended last week.

You see, last week I almost had a major wedding disaster on my hands, but Twitter came to the rescue in a big way.

As I’ve mentioned before, my sister is a degree-wielding, butt-kicking, graphic designer.  She is also my maid of honor.  As such, she has been happily designing all things paper for mine and Alex’s wedding in June.  Over the last couple of months, she has done a phenomenal job designing our wedding invitations.

Since we used Vistaprint so successfully and with such fantastic results for our Save-the-Date cards several months ago, it was only natural that we tried Vistaprint first when Lisa started looking for a printer for the invitations.  She ordered 10 sample prints, just to test them and to get a feel for what type of quality we were going to get.  The samples arrived and they were PERFECT.  So we went ahead and placed the full invitation order with Vistaprint, feeling we were going to get great quality at a great price.

I couldn’t wait for the invitations to arrive.  I even tweeted about how excited I was for our order to come, a tweet that was actually acknowledged by Vistaprint’s Twitter customer service people, who assured me if I had any questions about the order they could help me out.

The day came when the invitations arrived – a day early, I might add.  That’s when disaster struck.

Everything about the appearance of the invitations we received was just wrong.  The words were right.  But the rest of each invitation looked like something my 2-and-a-half-year-old, soon-to-be stepson printed out, not like something we PAID to have done, and certainly not like something a trained graphic artist had designed!  The invitations were cut crooked in places.  They weren’t the size we had ordered.  And, worst of all, the black background wasn’t black, it was more of a charcoal gray.  They looked nothing like the beautiful samples we had received only a couple of weeks earlier!

To say I was upset would be an understatement, but my emotions were nothing compared to my sister’s.  She was utterly horrified.  She immediately wrote an email to Vistaprint’s customer service through their website, detailing all the problems with the order and asking what could be done.

This is about when my Twitter epiphany happened.  I realized I had already been in contact with a Vistaprint customer service person, on Twitter, and that this person seemed to be quite efficient and able to help if a problem occurred.  I decided I would contact Vistaprint customer service myself, through Twitter, and see how well that worked.

(By the way, I really wanted to insert a few screen shots to prove how fantastic this experience was, but I can’t work out how to crop my screen shots.  Sorry!!  But believe me, this really was awesome!)

I tweeted that there had been a problem with our ordered, and almost right away the Vistaprint customer service person had tweeted me back, asking what they could do to help.  When they say they monitor what people on the internet are saying about them, they are not kidding!  To make a long story short(er), within 3 hours of my initial tweet, Vistaprint had looked into our complaint, read my sister’s email, come up with a solution (there was a manufacturing issue), and processed a new, expedited order for us!  Is that great service or what?!  AND we had the new order 3 days later, so my timeline for assembling and addressing the invitations remains intact!  Oh, and the new order looks PERFECT, just as beautiful as the original sample order was.

I have to commend Vistaprint on a job well done, and particularly on the speedy customer service their Twitter representatives @Vistaprint and @VistaprintHelp provided.  Not only did they save a sale, but they have made me a customer for life!

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As we get closer to our wedding date, I asked Alex if he would be willing to share something he has been thinking about regarding the wedding here on The Table Has Shoes (and Other Ambiguities).  I am proud to present you with the fruit of his labor:

From the Groom’s Point of View: How Do You Choose a Stand-In For Mom?

My mother has always been my guiding light and I have been able to count on her for as long as I can remember. But my mother is no longer physically with me; she died over 7 years ago from a massive internal hemorrhage in her brain stem.

She had been taking COUMADIN^® to break up a blood clot in her right atrium. This weakened her endothelial lining and facilitated a cerebrovascular attack. The doctor essentially told me that they would keep her alive on life support in hopes of preserving some of her organs so others may live. She was only 57. That day changed my life on multiple levels, one being that I lost any chance of being able to dance with her at my wedding.

I strongly believe in the American custom of dancing with one’s parent.  And I intend to up hold this tradition the best way I can, so I need to pick a surrogate. I have at least five female family members from which to choose:

• My mother’s cousin once removed, Pauline, who has been to every memorable family function in my life. I have very fond memories of being one of many cousins enjoying summer breaks at her family home.

• My godmother, Serena, who was technically first in line as my mother’s proxy and was the first person I considered. But Serena lives in Vermont and we probably won’t have an opportunity to practice dancing together.

• My mother’s closest cousin, Evelyn, who gratuitously took in Murphy and me as tenants after my mother passed. Murphy was one of my mom’s three cats that needed a home.  During my 6 years under her roof, I had an exciting life engaged in local politics, studying for my Master’s degree, and thinking up conversations to have with my future fiancé during our biochemistry class. And there is always the fact that at 71, Evelyn can still dance circles around me.

• My first cousin, Erinn, who is by far my favorite relative.  And even though she lives a few thousand miles away, I need no rehearsal to dance with her. She is truly like a sister to me.

• Christina’s mother, Betty, who has openly accepted me and was the first person I turned to when I needed help designing Christina’s engagement ring. She is someone I like and admire, and not to mention a terrific holiday chef.

All of these family members mean a great deal to me, so it is not going to be an easy decision. Not to mention that I also have to choose a fitting song. If Mom were around I would have found an appropriate Neil Diamond song to reminisce to.  Each of the above women represent a different aspect of my life, and finding an unforgettable song to match is probably going to be harder than picking which relative to dance with.

Hopefully Alex will share what his final decision on this turns out to be.  Stay tuned!

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I don’t think I am alone when I say that as a bride, you often have to deal with a lot of advice that you JUST. DON’T. WANT.
For example, you and your fiance have not a single bone in either of your bodies that desires a wedding ceremony that takes place in a church. Not everyone understands this decision, so even your grandmother’s sister’s friend’s uncle’s goldfish calls you to ask if they can help you find a church for the wedding. Or maybe you want to use a non-traditional song for your processional, and your friend doesn’t like the idea, so you now have to listen to her ideas for processional songs every time she calls. Maybe it’s something as simple as whether you ought to have a signature cocktail served during the reception, or if you should go with the lobster or the filet mignon as the third menu choice for dinner. EVERYONE has an opinion to share. Sometimes the ideas are good, and sometimes they are just plain ugly. (And, yes, some of those things have happened to us!)
This doesn’t affect Alex and I as much now as it did when we started our wedding planning process, but in the beginning it was both overwhelming and frustrating. We wanted to make everyone happy, but we also felt it’s our wedding, and it ought to be about us, not about everyone we know. And when you shoot down an idea, or pretend you are taking someone’s advice and then obviously go in a different direction, feelings get hurt. There is a difference between asking for help because someone might know something you don’t know, and being pulled aside for a dissertation you didn’t ask for, right?
Then we got a piece of advice from a rather unlikely source: our landlords. They live in the apartment below ours, and they got married about 3 weeks before Alex and I got engaged. The first thing they told us when we told them the good news was this:

Everyone’s going to have an opinion they want to share. You listen, and thank them, maybe even say there are a lot of ideas you’re sifting through right now and you are certainly going to add theirs to the list. Then you do what you want anyway.

I know this sounds really simple, and perhaps even obvious, but when you’re in the middle of everything, it’s truly difficult to keep this in mind! Adopting this strategy has been one of the best things we did for ourselves with the wedding. It has actually worked out so well that we have decided to carry it over into all aspects of life – you know, for big stuff, like having kids and buying a house. There is so much advice to be had when it comes to these things, it becomes easy to lose sight of what you want, or what you envision, just because you don’t want to insult someone.
How do all other brides, or newlyweds, or anyone for that matter, deal with superfluous opinions while in the midst of planning your wedding, or your life?

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When I was a little girl, I did what many little girls do.  I watched Disney movies like Snow White and Cinderella, where the heroine gets married to the prince and lived happily ever after as his wife.  As a little girl, I wasn’t particularly aware that when Cinderella got married she probably stopped being ‘Miss Cinderella’ and became ‘Mrs. Prince Charming.’  And even if I had been aware of this change, it didn’t bother me much.  MRS. was perfectly normal – all my friends’ parents’ names were Mr. and Mrs. So-and-So.  OBVIOUSLY being married made their last names the same.  End of story, as far as little-kid-me was concerned.

Well, here I sit, 4 months before becoming a “Mrs.” myself, and let me just tell you, it’s no longer so cut and dry, this whole ‘Miss, now Mrs.,’ thing.

Suffice it to say, the concept of changing my name is throwing me for the proverbial loop.

It’s not a feminist thing.  It’s not even anything to do with Alex’s last name.  Truth be told, his last name could be considered an improvement on my own.  No… it’s more of an identity thing.  It’s as if changing my name in some way forsakes who I was before marriage.  Like I’m not a member of my family’s “clan” anymore.  Which brings me to something else that has been rolling around in my head for a few days now.  I HATE that a woman’s last name prior to marriage is referred to as her MAIDEN name.  The word maiden conjurs images of damsels in distress and white knights climbing up the tallest tower to claim a prize.  I don’t want to be a maiden, thank you very much.  It’s like saying a woman isn’t quite… right… before she’s married.

I’m sure this all sounds like I’m opposed to taking Alex’s last name.  Whenever people ask me if I’m changing “it”, I freeze up and grimace, which probably suggests I’m at odds with the concept (and also probably makes Alex feel oh-so-good.  By the way, WHY do people ask this question?  It’s a bit nosy, don’t you think?).  But that’s not it.  And I more than likely will adopt his name, because it’s a gesture to him and because I would like our kids to have 2 parents with the same last name.  I don’t want to put hyphenation on a child.  My balking is about giving up my last name, not about taking his.

My current solution?  I’m thinking about compromising a bit and changing my last name to his, but also changing my middle name to my “maiden” name.  I think this ensures I won’t be LOSING the name I’ve gone through life with thus far, since that is the crux of the issue.  I have a good friend who did precisely this when she got married, which is how I got the idea.  But it’s still scary, at least to me!

Has anyone else had trouble with the whole changing-your-name concept?

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The only thing I ever felt I would care about to the point of “bridezilla-ness” when it came to my own wedding has always been the wedding cake. I’m a baker, and I’ve dabbled in catering here and there, and so it only felt natural to have strong opinions about wedding cakes. I know that no one ever seems to EAT the cake, but I always imagined having an incredible tasting cake, with an even more incredible look.
Once Alex and I were engaged, the first thing I did was look at wedding cakes, in magazines and online. One of my first questions for potential venues was always about the cake, and if there were rules. So you can imagine my dismay when we found the perfect venue, a venue that includes the cake in the price, even, but were told: 1) you don’t get to taste the cake before the wedding, and 2) you have a set selection of designs you can choose from.

???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????????

The above was my internal reaction when we were told we don’t get to taste the cake, and that they prefer it if you pick the design out of a book. In all fairness, the venue we chose is only on the map because of their catering reputation (which is stellar), and they are quite willing to attempt to make any cake design you show them, it’s just that it may cost you more. AND YOU STILL DON’T GET TO TASTE IT.
This blew big holes in my plan to spend inordinate amounts of time and energy choosing a cake. Plus, I totally miss out on cake tasting, which I’ve always thought would be fun. Luckily, my mom went to 5 bakeries before choosing one to make our engagement party cake, so I’ve had my fill of cake tasting for a while.
As far as pointing to something in a book… that’s just not for me. So I have been on the hunt for pictures of wedding cakes that I love, with the hope that the bakers at our venue will be willing and able to re-create one of them.

Here are a few that I keep coming back to:

This one I think is wicked-cool because it involves a snow globe as the cake topper, though I probably would not choose this myself:

And this is my absolute favorite:

It’s just so classic and clean looking! My florist told me she will give me as many loose flowers as I need (no charge!) for the wedding cake if I decide to do this.

Whatever we decide to go with, I will certainly post about it when the time comes.

Where are other brides finding wedding cake inspiration?

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A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a post called “Dressing the Groom.”  When I wrote it, I left out a crucial element of my groom’s wedding-day look, and I did that on purpose.  I knew I was going to be buying him something to wear on our wedding day – I just didn’t want to write about it until I was sure it was happening! Happily, I finally managed to place an order for the final piece of Alex’s wedding-day ensemble this afternoon. I intend to give it to him the night before the wedding, at our rehearsal dinner, but he already knows he’ll be receiving this particular item, so there’s absolutely no element of surprise.

A bit of background…
Alex and I fell in love over a telescope. Literally. We both have a passion for astronomy, and I happen to have saved up my money and bought myself a super-cool 5-inch Schmidt-Cassegrain telescope a few years ago.  (I write a separate astronomy blog, but it has been some time since I’ve had a chance to update that website.)   Alex and I spent a lot of time when we were first dating  looking at stars and planets through this telescope. One time, Alex saw a shooting star and made a wish, then many months later told me he had wished that he would be able to marry me one day – NO JOKE!
When we first started talking about wedding bands, we were seriously considering buying wedding bands made from the Gibeon meteorite, which crashed to Earth in Africa a couple hundred years ago. Here’s what those wedding bands look like:

They’re completely appropriate for us, but there were a few concerns. First, they aren’t exactly cheap, at least not if you want the high-quality, not-going-to-fall-apart versions. Second, you have to buy them online. The thought of buying our wedding rings online seemed way too scary for us. Finally, while they are a unique idea, they in no way match my engagement ring, and given my penchant for getting upset when things don’t match, we thought this might be a poor decision, long-term.
It took me a while to come up with an idea for a gift to give Alex for our “Zero Year” Anniversary. But since we scrapped the meteorite ring idea, and he had been so psyched to possibly wear something from space at the wedding, I eventually decided I needed to find something he could wear that is NOT a ring, but still came from space. That’s when I found Starborn Creations. They make jewelry out of the same meteorite the rings would have been made out of, including… drum roll please… CUFFLINKS.
Alex doesn’t normally wear clothes that would require cufflinks. But he will be wearing cufflinks with his tuxedo at the wedding. So I am giving him these:

Like I said, he knows he’s getting them. But I still can’t wait to see his face as he holds pieces of a space rock in his hand and knows those pieces belong to him!

(Photo credits: ring pictures from ArizonaSkies.com // cufflink pictures from StarbornCreations.com)

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If you follow this blog, you know that something I do from time to time is participate in something Whitney and I call “collective blogging.”  We come up with a topic from to write about, and then we both write our own versions of a post on the chosen topic.  To check out past collective blogs, please click here.

Today’s Topic: The C25K Challenge

To read Whitney’s post on The C25K Challenge, please click here.

Last week, Whitney and I wrote about New Year’s Resolutions.  One resolution we both happened to have involved physical fitness.  Big shocker, right?  Who doesn’t make a New Year’s Resolution about getting into shape every year?  But this year is different.  Really, it is!!  This year, I’m getting married in June and then going on a honeymoon to Hawaii.  Getting in shape is not an option – it HAS TO HAPPEN.

I’ve made valiant attempts over the last few months to find a fitness routine and stick to it.  I was doing pretty well around October-November with a combination of yoga/pilates/weight training, using my DVDs and hand weights in the living room to start toning up.  But then December came and it all went to crap.  I felt guilty… but not that guilty, because I was rather enjoying sitting curled up on the couch watching TV and knitting.  And as much as I like my Women’s Health: The Wedding Workout DVD, it just isn’t all that motivating once you’ve done the workout for a week.  It gets boring.

Then I happened to see someone tweet about something called C25K.  What was this?  I wondered.  So I googled it, and discovered that C25K is a running program/schedule designed to get you off the couch and running a 5K in nine weeks.  I’ve dabbled in running here and there, but I tend to give up because it’s either too much of a time-suck for me, or I get discouraged by my asthma.  So I thought about it and realized the C25K program might be just the thing to get me to run on a regular basis without… well, wanting to DIE.  Since running is one of the best ways to get in shape quickly, it seemed to solve my problem as far as looking my best for the wedding.

So I did what any good twitterer does: I tweeted about it, asking the twitterverse how they felt about C25K.  I got a few responses, all saying to try it because they were doing it and it was pretty good.  Then I got a tweet from Whitney, saying if I do it, she’ll do it with me.  AH!  PERFECT! A buddy to keep me motivated!

And so it was that Whitney and I decided to start the C25K program together… on March 1.  You’re probably wondering why March 1, and not now.  Seems like procrastination, right?  But there is a good reason, I promise!  I CANNOT run in my current physical state in the cold.  I absolutely will have an asthma attack – it’s happened before, more than once.  And because money is a little tight because of the wedding, I can’t go join a gym to get started on a treadmill now.  So I figured out that by March it should be a little warmer than it is now on a regular basis, and that gives me around 12 weeks to be up to a 5K by the wedding.  Perfect! (As a sidenote, I have this pipe dream about running on the beach while we’re on our honeymoon, I think it sounds very cool.  I don’t really know why.)  We’re going to be keeping tabs on each other using MapMyRun, which should help since Whitney and I don’t exactly live down the road from each other!  I’m also considering purchasing the C25K iPhone/iPod Touch app, which is supposed to tell you when to run and when to walk, without interrupting your music.  Anything to help me along!

I have made a vow to be on a healthy-stuff only diet, and to do my yoga and weights at least 3 times a week – starting… now! – so my body isn’t completely shocked come March.  Wish me luck, please!  I will need it!

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I’ve been back and forth about whether I wanted to admit to this or not… but when I first saw our ‘Save the Date’ cards printed out, just waiting to make their way to our future wedding guests, I got goosebumps.  It was so weird to see my name and Alex’s name on paper like that, informing the world they we “are getting married.”  Maybe other brides have this same reaction, I don’t know.  But, as a person who had actually begun to believe she would never be getting married, the in-print declaration that it’s happening was almost overwhelming.

I absolutely love our ‘Save the Dates,’ too, so maybe that is part of the reason I got all teary over them.  All the stationery items we’re using for the wedding are being designed by my sister, Lisa, who is a freelance graphic designer.  I showed her a font I kept gravitating towards on Wedding Paper Divas and she illustrated a font to be similar, then drew the stars herself. We used VistaPrint to print them out, which is a company I would absolutely recommend to anyone looking to design/print their own ‘Save the Dates’.  There’s a chance we’re using them for our wedding invitations as well – Lisa is almost ready to order a test print of those as we speak!

Because I’m a bit paranoid, I asked Lisa to remove our last names and our wedding website URL from the design of our Save the Dates. Here they are:

Aren’t they cute?  Our invitations are completely different (they’re more formal-looking), and once they are mailed out I’ll be sharing those as well!

If you’re interested in Lisa’s other design work, please contact me through this blog and I will be happy to provide you with her contact information.

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